Immaculate Conception
by BiRDiEs95
Summary: Angela stumbles upon an odd conversation at the bar. Who's being talked about? And what is that about immaculate conception? A humorous one-shot. T for mild language


**A.N. So I was just playing HMAP today and my oldest child had her child's day (Chase's daughter, duh!) Then, for some reason, I started to thinking about a conversation I had with my aunt and cousins when we were at dinner a few nights ago. It involved mentions of drug use, teen pregnancy, and immaculate conception. (It was all in good fun- my relatives are responsible and sane!) Thus, this story was born. I couldn't stop thinking about it, and had to stop playing to come write it! Please leave a review to let me know what you think!**

A cacophony of sounds met my ears upon entering the Brass Bar. As it was already past ten on a Friday, the hot spot of Harmonica Town was packed wall to wall with a smorgasbord of characters. I was surprised to see that, rather than gathering around to give me the usual rowdy greeting, a large group of my friends were huddled around a table in the corner furthest from the bar. Their heads were down, and they all jumped when I approached the table.

"Oh, hey, Ang," said Luke, recovering from his shock almost immediately.

"Hey." I received a few half-hearted waves and nods in response. Something was definitely up. I strained my ears, standing as close to the table as possible without risking tripping over a stray limb.

"There's no way someone would do that!" hissed Luna, overjoyed to be in the middle of a juicy scandal.

"So immaculate conception, then?" came Owen's response.

"Woah, what?" I asked, eyes bugging out of my head. Who the hell were they talking about? Kathy rolled her eyes at her boyfriend.

"Jesus wouldn't knock _her_ up!" cried Luke. His rather loud proclamation was met with a flurry of panicked slaps and a nearly collective, "Shut up!" He had the good grace to look abashed. Owen brought the conversation back around to his original hypothesis, valiantly defending his argument (and his honor along with it.)

"You don't know he wouldn't, Luke. God works in mysterious ways," he argued, crossing his arms across his chest and smiling triumphantly.

"That's not mysterious," Kathy said, her voice flat. "That just seems irresponsible." There was a chorus of giggling and several heads turned to sneak a peak at a certain red-headed waitress who was snacking on a cookie she had produced form her apron pocket.

"Oh my Goddess!" I cried, not attempting to be discreet, much to the chagrin of my companions. "You guys seriously think that's baby weight?" I gave the group a pointed look and made exaggerated chewing motions. "Owen, immaculate conception? Really?"

"Yes!" he cried, the glass of alcohol he had been nursing (as well as the many others that had preceded it) driving him to fight for his impossible declaration. "It's not just her stomach! Her boobs are bigger too! I mean, your boobs grew when…" A violent smack from Kathy stopped his justifications before they got more out of hand. Offensive observation aside, I could actually see his point (to an extent.)

"Well, that _could_ just be a pushup bra, but her boobs do look a little…"

"Immaculate conception, my ass!" came a livid snarl. All heads in the Brass Bar swiveled around to see just what the notoriously quiet chef could be shouting about. "She's been eating all the damn pie!" He dramatically waved an empty pie tin above his head. All heads turned to see how Maya would respond to the accusation. She fashioned her face into a well-rehearsed pout, her arms crossed defensively over her middle.

"It was left in the fridge, and it wasn't marked. You know that you're supposed to mark something if you want it left alone!" Chase's responding growl was feral and exasperated.

"You should have at least known enough to leave the apple pie alone," he said, voice almost a whisper. I staggered a few feet to the right, slumped into the closest chair, and started to sob.

"Oh my Goddess, Angela!" cried Renee. She was first to my side, but the entire group flocked to my chair close behind her. I could hear Chase trying to get through the mass of bodies over my gasping breaths, and waited for him to arrive.

"What did you _do_?" Kathy demanded. She had borrowed Anissa and Candace's bodies to help her block his path through. They were rather imposing from the rear, and I could only imaging what their faces looked like—or at least what Kathy's looked like. Anissa looked only slightly less aggressive, but poor Candace looked like she wanted to melt into the floor, her shoulders slumping quite noticeably.

"I…" Chase looked at a loss, and I was quickly losing hope that he'd be able to get around the brute squad. I lifted my arms to him, holding them just wide enough so that it'd be clear that he needed to _hurry the hell up!_

"Um, Kathy?" came Renee's hesitant voice.

"Huh?" Kathy peered behind her and sighed, allowing her forced help to relax and stepping aside herself. Chase came through quickly, an aisle of friends forming for him to walk through. He fell to his knees in front of my chair and leaned into my desperate arms. I wrapped both arms tightly around his neck and cried into his shoulder.

"Stupid hormones," I hiccupped, laughing a little. Chase pulled back a little, smiling.

"What's wrong, Ang?" I shook my head in amazement.

"I've been refusing to forgive you for over a week now, and you've been trying to apologize with a pie the entire time, haven't you?" I asked. Chase's eyebrows drew together in confusion briefly before he burst out laughing.

"You mean you were crying because you felt guilty that I felt guilty?" he asked. I stuck my tongue out at his tone.

"More or less." Chase just shook his head slowly in amazement.

"So, does this mean I don't have to sleep on the couch tonight?" he asked, eyes lighting up with hope. I considered the pros and cons in my head, seriously considering extending his banishment just to be able to relish the extra space for one more night.

"I guess," I conceded. A blinding grin split his face.

"I get to feel her kick tonight," Chase sighed reverently, placing his hands gently on my hugely distended belly.

"Oh my Goddess!" cried Owen, who's inebriated mind was slowly trying to catch up. "You mean Chase knocked up Maya?" Many sets of eyes widened in alarm, and Kathy desperately tried to shut her boyfriend up before he got everyone there in serious trouble. "Dude, Angela!" he cried. "Your husband gave Maya a food baby!"

The entire bar was silent as Chase slowly rose to his feet and approached an oblivious Owen. Kathy stood back, figuring that Chase deserved to kick Owen's ass after that idiotic comment. While that was true, Chase was too much of a gentleman in my presence to resort to violence. Had I not been there, I suppose Owen may have woken up in Waffle Town with no memories and only a pair of black eyes to commemorate the night. As it was, I _was_ there, so Chase merely held out his hand.

"List." Owen's eyes widened as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a long, well-worn sheet of paper. Chase pulled a pen from his uniform pocket and started to write.

"What did I say?" cried Owen, horrified at the idea that he might have said something to offend anybody.

Chase handed me the paper for inspection. I read the headline, then jumped to the two new additions marked in at the bottom of the page. I pursed my lips, considering, then nodded my agreement. The paper was passed back to Owen who read it, sighed, then shoved the paper back into his pocket. There was a long silence, then…

"Wait, you guys think I look pregnant?"

….

_**Things Owen May **_**Never**_** Talk About**_

_**1. Chase's barrettes**_

_**2. NC-17 rated activities Chase and Angela may partake in as a married couple**_

_**3. How and what snakes eat**_

_**4. Women things (bodily functions, mood swings, etc)**_

_**5. Opinion of Kathy's physique (or that of any other person)**_

_**6. What you do alone**_

_**.**_

_**.**_

_**.**_

_**56. Immaculate conception**_

_**57. Angela's breasts**_


End file.
